Healing childhood trauma as a parent is a wild ride. Sometimes it hits when I least expect it. It’s not a big grand miracle, but it’s little moments throughout regular daily life. Sometimes it’s something that I didn’t even realize I had trauma from. But through each moment I realize how I want to parent my children differently.
The other day my oldest daughter and I took a short shopping trip. On the drive home we were talking about neighbors and boys, and how there is one boy that makes her feel uncomfortable. I asked her if it was something in particular he did, or if it’s just because he likes her. You see, we got some new neighbors that are around my kids ages and like to come over and play. One of the boys was outed by his sisters that he ‘has a crush’ on my daughter. I think this is brand new for her and she doesn’t really know how to feel about it. However, I also would never discredit her discomfort. She confided in me that when I’m not outside with them while they are all playing together, he will do things that make her uncomfortable, like play tackle her.
The Wave Breaking
I sat and listened while she told me this. I replied by telling her that I will do my best to be outside with her when they come play, and I will never force her to play with the neighbors. It just…came out so easily to let her know that I hear her and care for her. I then told her,
I hope you are always comfortable to tell me when you are uncomfortable.
And then it hit me like a brute wave, memories and feelings that I went through when I was that age and into my teenage years. When I would mention to my siblings or anyone really that I was having an issue, most of the time the retort would be something to the tune of, “Well what did YOU do to make that happen.”
Why this hit me so hard
There were times that I was followed/stalked home by boys or times that I had young men push themselves on me. And of courses times that males thought they were funny with how they treated me. The comments directed towards me about what I did to get such reactions were meant to be funny. As a young girl though, they had a large impact. It got to a point I would be afraid to tell anyone about an incident because I thought it was my fault, genuinely. So in the midst of this conversation, when the realization hit me I started to tear up. Why was it so hard for people that ‘cared’ about me to listen and be concerned and offer protection? I realized how I would always want my daughter to feel comfortable to come to me when someone is making her feel uncomfortable.
My Hope
Words can be so important, and also so damaging. I won’t ever make any of my kids feel like they are the reason something happened to them unprovoked. I won’t ever let me daughter’s feel like they are responsible for a man’s gaze. And the same can be said for my son’s too. Part of healing is parenting the way that you wished you had been parented. Listening will be my main goal when they come to me with a concern. Putting myself in their shoes to try to understand will be another goal. Mostly, I want them to know that the door is always open for conversation.
