I swore I wouldn’t let it happen, lose myself to motherhood. I suppose that might sound harsh. I love being a mom, I’ve always known I wanted to be one, so this was no accident where I am today. I was aware that people could be overcome with it, so I told myself I wouldn’t let it consume and become my identity. But you know what? It has, and something I’ve had to learn is that it’s okay. Every day is a balance, and every day is a bit different than the last. Some days I cook, clean, work, clean some more, oh and clean. It was a tid bit inevitable, especially right now where my children are all 9 and under. Of course maybe that won’t really change much as they get older ;). I know that some of this is temporary and that I will begin to find pieces of myself again. I have days where I feel ‘awake’ and I feel like myself again, but I have days where I come crashing down and nothing seems okay. I loathe those days sometimes because I’ve always been a very positive person who has been able to point out something I’m grateful for even at my lowest. So when I have a dark day I feel like I’ve regressed, I feel like I’m letting my kids down, and that I don’t recognize myself. Nothing has been as big of a challenge as not knowing who this person is. Postpartum has been a roller coaster, quite frankly it’s been a bitch.
I’ve learned to lean into the chaos and go with it, but I’ve also not lost sight of my passions and the goals that I want to accomplish. I think that it is important to show my kids to persevere, and not give up. I also have realized that to some degree I am a new human, I have morphed in scary new beautiful ways. My identity is ever-changing, and that is okay. I know that there are others who struggle with feeling stuck in mom-hood, and I want you to know that I feel you. Wanting more for yourself is okay, and you shouldn’t feel guilty. If anything your children will be your best cheerleaders! So take it a day at a time, finding yourself is not a race.
