Did you know your heart can break from pure love? I started a bath last night for my toddler, and as I got him sat down in it I watched him tentatively play with the bubbles, his cheeks and mouth graced by chocolate icing from a donut he had eaten just moments before. Then I started bawling, just straight up out of nowhere tears started flowing. I don’t know if it’s because it’s that time of the month (sorry TMI), or just one of those random moments in motherhood where you completely and utterly cherish the littlest of moments. But the site of his chunky innocent cheeks covered in frosting made me think how this is the last time I will have a toddler with messy cheeks.
It’s Not All Devastation
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on how as I’ve gone through this journey of motherhood I’ve learned how much a heart can break. How so many moments can create tiny little fissures that are filled in with countless lessons learned or moments of gratitude. How it’s a repeat process of breaking open just a bit so that it can grow evermore. That can sound scary, but it’s not always a bad thing. I’ve watched my children hit milestones, and each time my heart erupted with pride. The joy of watching them learn, and the bittersweetness that they can now do things without you. I’ve felt my heart break dropping them off at their first day of school, watching them go down a slide for their first time, watching them when they get sick, seeing them make friends. Each time they accomplish something and I get overwhelmed with happiness, while a small part of me mourns the little them. But each time it breaks, it’s rebuilt with something that’s hard to put into words.
Even in the rough moments. Like the first time they felt embarrassment, or the first time they might need to get stitches. We want to fiercely protect our kids from any hurt, but it’s all a necessary part of growing and learning. Or perhaps when you’re doing your best to set boundaries and they utter the first ‘I hate you’. Yup, I’ve been there. But at the end of the day when they’ve come to apologize, and my heart breaks because I know their growing brains are just try to process the world as best they can. Parenting can be so hard, but in moments like that it proves how valuable your efforts are.
And I feel as though I’m barely touching on this subject. I still have quite the journey ahead of me and I know I’ll experience many other versions of heartbreak. I’ve yet to experience the teenage years and all the caveats that come with them.
So, if you were to ask me what is something no-one told me about parenting, it would this: your heart will break in a hundred different ways, that it is truly bittersweet. You can simultaneously be anticipating the next stage, while mourning the last one. Bursting with joy while silently sorrowful. It is a roller-coaster of emotions, but a journey well worth it.
